Kinky is Normal

The cover of Psychology Today has a picture of a dominatrix on the cover.  The copy reads “Twisted? … 7 taboos that are perfectly natural.”   I grab it hoping that we are finally being treated as normal people by the American Psychiatric Association.  Not that I care what a bunch of shrinks think of me but a lot of people do worry about being normal.
I’m reading along thinking this might not be so bad it looks like they are going to make a claim that being kinky is an acceptable and normal sexual behavior.  No such luck.  Thanks a lot Psychology Today.  Thanks for reinforcing the “oh my god I’m a freak” that every pervert in the closet is dealing with.

Page 75, a big black box in the middle of the page tells us that “an unusual sexual practice is likely harmless, unless it is the only thing that turns you on.”  WTF?  The author goes on to say that “ a little bit of kink is a good thing but [that too much] will get in the way of the relationship.”  Then it goes on to talk about how to “cure” a porn addict.

Here is the problem with this:

Kinky people are normal.  This article suggests that experts think that we are not.  I know a lot about kink so I am entitled to speak about this.  Many people who are not really kinky want to try it out.  Maybe they want to please their partners, maybe they are bored with the vanilla sex that they regularly have, maybe they are simply curious what all the fuss is about.  Possibly, they are just wondering if wearing a big pair of boots will make their husbands fuck them properly.  Maybe the boots will do it.  Depends on the relationship and the sexuality of the husband.  It is not normal to be curios about it and abnormal to actually be into it.  Period.

The thing is that when you are first coming into kink you might want to try it all and see what does it for you.  As you progress in your experience and your fantasies they seem, for a lot of us, to bottleneck.  That is the fantasies of adults seem to become more and more specific as time goes on.

Sure, sometimes things changes and you might go from loving stockings to loving latex,.  But I have never met a pervert who didn’t have an almost obsessive like quality to his kink.  When he is making love to his wife he is thinking about the one true thing that gets him off.   Be it boots, cross-dressing, rubber, golden showers, or gay sex.
It’s not a mother fucking salad bar, it’s our sexuality.  Everyone is different, everyone is normal, and everyone has a right, and indeed a responsibility, to seek out partners who have compatible sexual preferences.  If kink gets in the way of your relationship you need to work on your relationship or find a new one.  Some of the most intimate, passionate, and loving relationships are based on sexual preferences.

I know exactly what I like in my sex.  If some therapist came up to me and told me that she could cure me I would likely deck her.  I don’t want to be cured, I enjoy sex — a lot.  Thank you, but isn’t the idea of curing someone’s sexual preference something akin to what Focus On The Family has been doing to gay people for years now?  Why is it an acceptable idea that we can go in and rearrange the sexuality of people.  You can never make a gay person straight.  You can never make a kinky person vanilla.  Please stop trying – it offends me.

3 thoughts on “Kinky is Normal

  1. How disappointing! How could “kink” possibly get in the way of a relationship between two people who want it? Bollocks.

  2. Hmm, I really like this post.

    I think it takes a certain strength of character to deviate in any way from what Cosmo might have you think is the norm. That “taboo” list may be doing more harm than good: it could say “one two and three are OK, but you’re still a freak” but it’s still saying “anything else makes you even MORE of a freak” And I’m thinking deviating from the “normal fetishes” could be more than some can handle.

    I’m no doctor, but I happen to think suppressing or trying to cure the kink would cause more problems. Chances are if you can’t face the fetish it’s going to resurface in the form of shame, depression, unsuccessful relationships (cause you’re gunna get caught or force it in somehow), or general dissatisfaction. Being open and honest about sexual desires creates a vulnerability that should enhance the relationship – encouraging someone to lie about or hide something so intergral to many relationships is just wrong.

    YAY for the kink, BOO for the cure.

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