Today I wish to contemplate the fake orgasm.
I have found myself wondering why women continue to feed the egos of men through perpetuating the fake orgasm. It’s such a cliché to fake one – my god why are we still doing this? And why don’t men know how to cope with blatant sexual advances? Can women not be sexual creatures without violating some man centric ethics board?
Monday afternoon I’m nursing a hangover. Lorelei and I are chugging Bloody Marys and eating meat when the pretty black boy next to us says hello. I’m pretty tipsy so I reach over and grab his cock. I slide him my number as I head out the door. I have a slave hopeful to meet.
Tuesday at 7:30 he calls “hey its Brad…remember me?” If he had waited a day I would not have but as timing is everything in this life I went to meet him for a drink at The Dresden. He was waiting at the bar when I walked in 5 minutes early – a good sign.
People are always sending me messages about how they want to “get to know” me. That is hilarious. I tell them to Google me. Everything you need to know about me can be found with a simple Google search – I’m easy. You, dear reader, probably know me better than anyone who meets me for a drink to ask me the same five fucking questions over and over. I’m very single minded. Sex is all I ever think about. I wonder about the many different styles and genres of sex, the politics of sex, and (most importantly) how I can achieve sex in the next ten minutes. Easy, right?
We had three drinks as Marty and Elaine rocked the house. This boy thought that because I grabbed his dick I wanted to fuck him. I can see why he thought that. He suggested we go to his place and I realized that it has been a long time since I have gone to someone’s place. A hotel, a bathroom stall, my dungeon – sure, but someone’s place? “Alright your place” I said. He told me that he lives in a studio apartment and only has a mattress on the floor. My place it is.
I am coming to the conclusion that I live in a bubble of privilege. I don’t wash my own dishes or laundry, I have a wonderful PA who plays the most wide ranging musical pieces for me, when I want sex my TS girlfriend gets me dressed and pushes me out the door to fuck a big black man.
After making the clear-cut choice to not fuck on a ratty floor mattress ala Hollywood slum we headed for the back door. But we needed to pee and accidentally ended up in the coat closet together. It’s a big closet but in LA no one needs a coat so it was pretty empty. I shoved him up against the wall and unzipped his trousers. I sucked his dick for a second and grabbed a magnum. He fucked me from behind – someone opened the door, realized it wasn’t the bathroom, didn’t see us. We kept fucking trying to keep our moans to a minimum – the door flew open and the light went on. I sprang up and his dick went soft immediately. Whoever opened the door and turned the light on must have known we were in there but the way the closet is set up we had not been spotted. They killed the light, closed the door and left just as quickly as they had come in. “Let’s get out of here” I said, pulling up my jeans.
He parked on the street so we had a little walk. We jumped into his vintage (read old) BMW but before we had a chace to continue our romp from the closet he zoomed off. His seat was wicked close to the wheel – like he was real short or something. Zoom Zoom – turn right, right again, right one more time. His driving was super jerky. He didn’t stall the car on the four-minute trip to my pad but he did have to slam on the breaks and jerk me forward. Sexy, huh?
As we headed down the long dark street I realized that his lights had not been tuned on. We found a spot right in front and went in. Strip and put your clothing in the basket. “You strip,” he started in, as though I wasn’t serious. “Strip or get out,” I explained to him. His naked body was tiny but somewhat muscular. “You’ll do,” I thought.
I pushed him on top of the cage and started sucking his dick – he tried to push on my head. I’m not into gagging for a one-night stand. WTF? I know what I’m doing so get your hand off my head. I’m done sucking it. I slip a condom on his dick and climb right up. He is irritating me a little so I climb up backwards – reverse cowgirl.
I’m watching myself in the mirror and having a fine time. “Grab my ass” I tell him. He tries to but his hands are too small. He slaps it instead. I take his hands and put them on my hips but he just can’t seem to hold on. “Do you want to stay in charge or have me fuck you?” He asks me this as if the two realities are mutually exclusive. “Both” I say and I can see the bewilderment in his face. I slide forward and he gets up behind me. He is back there fucking like a jackhammer. Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang! I’m watching in the mirror and I’m talking to myself in my head. I’m not really digging his style but I’m gonna get mine so I begin to notice his dark skin and I’m watching in the mirror – it’s alright I guess. I stand up and have him get behind me. He goes to slide his dick in but he is a couple inches shorter than me so I have to spread my legs to lower down. He is trying to stand on his tiptoes and make it seem natural. It’s kind of funny. I try to get him to grab my ass but it is no use. Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang!
I notice the shadow on the floor and start thinking about how there is a serious lack of kink in this sex. Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang! I notice the clock and realize that it is quarter of 12. If he can’t get it together in 15 minutes I’m done with this. Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang. I’m thinking about the last guy I fucked. His hands were big and he knew what he was doing with a woman. I’m built for sex. That is what I am all about. This little guy behind me just couldn’t hold on to my ass. He wasn’t able to take direction. Bang Bang Bang!
“You fuck like you drive” I tell him. “I understand that’s how you like it,” he comes back. “You don’t even turn your lights on … I’m not feeling it” I say. “I can change gears,” he tells me. “Do you know how to drive an 18 wheeler?” I ask him.
The breakdown of the Bang Bang Bang led me to the conclusion that we could talk for a second, fess up to the fact that I’m just not that into his sex but that I was digging him at the bar so maybe we could be friends – ya know?
That’s when he freaked out. “You’re so mean. You need to not be so mean to people.” “Mean? I met you in a bar and fucked you in the coat closet. I brought you to my place and fucked you some more. You must have real nice friends cause in my world that’s not mean dickhead!” He glazes over at me and tries to grab my face “Look into my eyes” “NO I don’t wasn’t to look into your fucking eyes – what are you some kind of faggot – look into my eyes … I’m not that kind of lover. I have studied Tantra and I’m not game for it in that look into my eyes bullshit.” I thought about head butting him but he pulled he face back before I had to go there.
I didn’t want to start a fight I was just over the sex. It was boring me. He kept stomping around and acting like a fucking five year old. I had to show him where the door was. “you’re a looser” he said to me “I could have done better with my hand”
I went back inside and called my girlfriend who immediately made me a drink and fucked me with a giant pink silicone cock. I came three times and had a midnight snack. I hope he sleeps well on his mattress on the floor. I am such a bitch. Can you believe I had sex with him – how mean of me! Hilarious!
Just the same I realized a few things while I was watching the shadows of sex and wondering where he learned his Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang technique — to say nothing of the pillow talk “you like that baby” ick! Talk to me – I’m into it but don’t say “ooooh that feels soooooo good … your pussy is sooooo wet” like some bad porno. I’m glad I have the sort of experience to just cut the sex short. I’m in it for my pleasure. I’m an asshole, I know.
Sometimes I forget how kinky I really am. Just like everybody else, I try to convince myself that I’m vanilla. I’m not. It was Tuesday night that I realized I have a hand fetish. If your hands are not big enough to hold onto my ass you are not big enough to ride this ride. I should put a size chart online.
I like sex in public, I like to be paid, I like big beautiful black men, not prissy little metro sexuals. I don’t want to fuck someone who looks like they should be on the cover of a high gloss magazine for wealthy kids who think that because they have a Mohawk they are punk rock. No, I want to fuck men who resemble basketball players, hot trannies, big dykes, and myself. I’m also a pretty heavy sadist and if you’re not a physical masochistic I will pry my way into your psyche and get my pleasure through your pain. There, now you know.
To get back to the question of faking it. I have to wonder what other women do when they find that the Bang Bang Bang of this random stranger just isn’t doing it for them. If there are any women reading this please tell me what you would do. Would you tell him, kick him out, get off, and get some sleep? Would you just hope he was going to be quick about it, let it ride and not return his calls? Would you not have been in this situation at all because you don’t have one-night stands like the slut you want to be?
When I bring a guy home from a bar it is not for his good time. It is for mine! I am coming to the realization that I am the exception to the rule when it comes to sex. Maybe if I hadn’t had sex all month it would have been better. What are we so afraid of? Hurting a man’s ego? Telling him “you are physically not capable of rocking my world. How bout you get some ice cream for us, eh?” What is the problem? Why do we fake it? If more men knew that they were lousy in bed maybe they would work to improve their skill. Warm the motor up. Turn the lights on.